I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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