He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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