if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
