My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
