My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize