i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
