Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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