Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
