Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
