i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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