youre lurking in front of me
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
