theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
