I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
