Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
