Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
