My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
