wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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