I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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