The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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