Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
