when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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