when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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