giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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