and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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