Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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