dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
