i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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