am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
