True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
