i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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