I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have already put on my inside pants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
