She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There r osticjed everywhere
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
