I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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