I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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