Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
