apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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