Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You are a genius and a whore.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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