Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
