I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize