Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
