I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
