I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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