You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
