dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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