I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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