I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
