Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
