Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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