Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
