Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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