my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
