Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
