So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
