I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
