My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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