Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
