in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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