oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
even my farts smell like vagina
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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