Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
