i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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