hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
