I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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