Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Someone signed my nipple.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
